Written by: Sunabi Pokharel - 25018, Grade X
Posted on: 17 October, 2022
Swikriti, a high school student, was an average yet a hard-working student who was studying in a prestigious school in one of the cities in Nepal. In middle school, she was always the one securing good marks and taking part in different programs. But since high school began, she started to change. Both her parents and teachers saw that her behavior was changing, her study was degrading and she started to become less happy. But they never questioned why it was happening. Her parents were constantly worried about what was happening to her. There were some teachers who asked her about herself but she never actually opened up to them but few teachers on the other hand constantly criticized and complained about her getting worse grades day by day. One day in her senior year of high school, she didn’t return home. Both her parents and teachers were really worried about her. Her teachers noticed that she had left her school bag in her classroom. Just to check whether there was any information about her being lost. While searching for information, one of the teachers found her diary. Turning to one of the pages, he saw something that looked like a journal. The journal went like this:
19 June 2022
Dear Diary,
I feel extremely anxious today. I am having constant shortness of breath and also nausea. It doesn't feel good to me. I am writing this here just to vent my feelings because it's really difficult for me to share these things with others. We all know the fact that an adequate sleep of 7-8 hours is required for a person to function properly. I do remember that I had known this fact in elementary school. Previously, we were taught to sleep for at least 8 hours so that we could be in good health. But the more I got upgraded to a higher class, this fact actually stopped making sense to me. It is not because the fact is wrong but because the textbooks which previously taught us to sleep for 8 hours have been such a burden that we hardly even get 5 hours to sleep. This feels like an irony to me. I really don’t know whether it is the education system, school, or myself because of whom I am not able to handle things properly. But I just don’t feel okay. I feel nothing close to happiness and the major thing I don't feel happy with is what I have become. I know that my mental health is deteriorating day by day. I have started to get anxious and stressed out. Crying has been my daily routine because headaches are severe these days. I really don’t know where to start my work from. There is a pile of things I have left to do. I’ve not completed my Nepali homework for the past 2 weeks and I also have a bunch of research projects to do. Moreover, I have ongoing book reviews which are left to be completed too. SEE will happen by this year too. My admission to my senior high school will the majority be focused on the report I will gain from SEE. But I don’t understand the majority of the things that I have been taught in school. I know it is not as difficult as it seems but I cannot really focus on whatever is being taught in the class. Neither do I even get time to practice the things taught in the class because extra activities cover up the majority of the time. I have to constantly eat Paracetamol to ease my headache. I am always in my own world but it is the only thing that gives me happiness right now. I feel really disappointed in myself and what I have turned into. I wasn’t like this before but I feel very tired and unwilling to do anything. I stay up late until 2 o’clock to do my assignments and wake up at 6 o’clock to go to school. I know that my friends from other schools have to go to school from 6 am to 6 pm and life is more difficult for them than it is for me. I really blame the education system for this. SEE is like a normal exam but extreme coaching is given to the point that children can no longer have a good sleep. And only getting 5 or fewer hours of sleep, nobody’s body and mind can function properly. I can understand that everybody has their struggle but sometimes people tell me that their struggle is a struggle but whatever I am feeling is unreal and just exaggerated really makes me feel worse than I always have. Because of lack of sleep at home, I constantly yawn in class but even when I yawn, I am scolded by the teacher for being too lazy. How do I tell this that I am not being lazy but I didn’t get adequate sleep? I want to share this with everybody but I don’t want anybody to speak about this to me either. I just don't feel comfortable with anybody. I just want to be with me and alone to be precise. But this is not me. I don't like this version of myself. I wish I could just go somewhere else for at least a couple of months. I need a break; a break from this version of myself; a break from school. I am really confused about everything that is happening. I hope I will become okay really soon.
Thanks for listening to me,
Swikriti
