Written by: Aayusi Shrestha - 26002, Grade IX
Posted on: 29 August, 2022
My name is Lucy and I am 15. Life was perfect when I was a kid. I used to be a little kid who dreamt big just like other kids. I had a simple dream, I wanted to be a model. Looking back at how I wanted to be a model makes me want to cry. I destroyed my own dreams. All I want in life is happiness but somehow every single day just manages to get worse. I am sitting in my bed, holding in my tears and trying my best to not cry.
To be honest, I wasn't always this way. I used to be like sunshine when I was a kid, always smiling and laughing. I used to be the ideal youngster who was excellent in school but now I am just an average teen who is never good enough. I think I am losing myself. I used to be my parent’s little girl but now our bond is not the same. I sometimes miss how happy we used to be. I fight with my mom almost everyday and my dad and I do not even talk much. I have tried to kill myself a lot but no one knows. When I am at school or at my relatives I’m always smiling but I don’t think I can hold in my emotions any longer. I feel like one day I am just gonna burst and say everything out loud to others. Even my closest friends do not really know how I feel. It’s not that I am always sad, I feel happy sometimes but I start feeling empty again. Even if others do not know how I feel, I just want my parents to know and to comfort me. I don’t think it is possible though. I feel like no one likes me, not even my parents or my friends or my brother. I do want to vent to someone. It's not that I don't trust them, it's just that maybe they will find it annoying or cut ties with me. I can feel my eyes getting watery. Tears stream down my face and I can’t control it. I feel so insecure and lonely. Sometimes I feel angry at my parents because they never listen to me or try to understand me but in the end I just blame myself thinking I’m the problem. When I was a kid my parents almost divorced but even though they are together now it does not feel the same.
I told earlier I wanted to be a model but now I can’t imagine myself being one. Like the models are so pretty and have the perfect body and I am just an ugly girl with now confidence. I’ve always wanted to feel prettier so that people will start loving me. I starve myself and try lots of beauty products but I’ll never be as pretty as others. School is exhausting too. I have so much incomplete work to complete but every time I start doing my assignments I start to cry or overthink. Why is it that I can never be happier? Why can’t I be a good daughter or a good student? My eyes get blurry and with tears falling down my eyes I bring out a knife and cut my hand. I think to myself maybe the world would be a better place without me and I feel weaker. My 4 attempts all failed but I hope this time I can die and finally be at peace.
