Written by: Niharika Chapagain - 25006, Grade X
Posted on: 11 July, 2022
Sailesh had recently seen a quote while surfing through instagram, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” This quote had made a big impact on him and had not left his mind since he had seen it. It was a quote by Harvey Fierstein. He had always admired Harvey Fierstein, an american actor, and screen writer, because the actor had always supported gay rights issues. The quote by Harvey Fierstein had reminded him to be true to himself and live courageously accepting himself. It created a huge debate in his mind about was he really being true to himself ? Also he was debating over opening up about his sexuality with his parents. However he was terrified of the consequences he might have to face.
Since his childhood, Sailesh had craved and wanted love and love doesn’t necessarily mean having a romantic relationship with someone. He craved for someone who understood him, supported him and accepted him as a whole. He had discovered about his sexuality as a gay person, when he was 12 years old. He had noticed that he had stronger attraction towards the male sex rather than the female ones. At that time he was too young to accept himself and had even tried to harm himself for being strange and different from the other boys in his class. But now, as he had grown up as an 18 year old teenager, he had accepted himself for who he was, and he had understood that being a gay person or belonging to a LGBTQIA+ community doesn’t mean that a person is “different from the others”. So, he certainly didn’t hate himself nor did he love himself. He just wanted the acceptance of the people who he cared the most in his life, his parents. Coming out as a gay person in his south east asian family and being accepted was almost impossible in his point of view. So he had always chickened out of talking about it with his parents. The thing that scared Sailesh the most was that his parents were old- fashioned and had not opened up to the world yet.
Sailesh was currently in his senior year of high school and he was very social as well. Even though he had many friends in his school who he got along with, he had a small group of friends who he had trusted the most in his life. Also, he had come out to his close friends when he had started exploring his sexuality. Even though his friends were straight, they always supported him and encouraged him to come out to everyone, especially his parents. However they also respected his decisions, being a true friend to him. After years and years of trying to encourage Sailesh to come out to his parents, the friends had finally succeeded. Sailesh had planned to tell his parents about his sexuality during a normal dinner. During the dinner, making the excuse about frequent mentions of LGBTQIA+ in media, Sailesh had casually asked his parents, “What do you think about LGBTQIA+ community members?” There was no reply and the happy, joyful dinner suddenly seemed like a war zone for him. He repeated himself to be greeted with a proper answer, however all he got was a weird look and a reply in a low alerting voice, “Don’t bring this topic up again,” Sailesh saw no more chances of being accepted and started quietly eating his food in the tense atmosphere of the room. He felt defeated and hopeless about the whole scenario and returned to his room without finishing his meal. Panicking, he called his friends to talk about the dinner and after explaining the whole situation, he repeatedly asked, “What should I do now? My parents have even restricted me from mentioning LGBTQIA+. What would happen if they find out that I am a part of it?” The friends try to calm him down and talk to him but he continues worrying about it. At that very moment, he realized his mother was standing at the door of his room holding his leftover meal with a shocked and angry expression.
“So is this why you asked the question earlier, spoiling our pleasant dinner?” his mother said in a monotone voice with an angry expression on her face. Nervously Sailesh responded, “Yes, mamu but I was not trying to-” Before he could complete his explanation, his mother instead interrupted him saying, “How did you fall out of line? Where did we, your father and I go wrong in parenting you? You have become such a disappointment for us.” Saislesh was actually hoping that if not accept him at least his mother would understand him or listen to his explanation. However he was wrong, instead she had shut him down and blamed him for not being a good child to them. Sailesh was heartbroken and the flood he was trying to control released from his eyes pouring down his face before he could comprehend what was going on. His mind was filled with disgust towards himself for not being normal. He was just a disappointment and nothing at all. All those years he had convinced himself that he was not different and he had learned to accept himself however it crashed down in just a second. He broke down in front of his angry mother and his mother instead of comforting him, gave him a deadline until his 19th birthday to change himself.
The time passed, and unlike how his mother had thought, it was not just a phase. His 19th birthday had arrived and he had not changed at all, he couldn’t. He could not deny his feelings and mend his broken heart. Instead he was always occupied within self-hate and self-belittlement. During his whole ordeal, he had told everything to his friends, and his friends and even their parents had become an emotional support to him. After not seeing any changes in him, his mother had told about it to his dad and his dad’s reaction was even worse. He had disowned him on his 19th birthday. With no place to go, his friends and their family had welcomed him as their own family member and trying to figure out his life, Sailesh stayed with his friends for some time. Afterwards, not living with his family even though he was hurt, he started feeling free and out of the suffocated life. He started accepting himself more and even learnt to love himself slowly. In the end, he had become a brave soul who was brave to exist in his own skin and not afraid to face the world...
