Written by: Jiya Sapkota - 25003, Grade X
Posted on: 29 June, 2022
I was walking through the busy street of Chabahil chowk when I saw a flag that looked like the pride flag, I stared at it for a certain amount of time and suddenly my low-looking expression and thoughts changed to a happy one. I lost track and suddenly stumbled upon a man.
“Ma’am, look while you’re going please”, the man I stumbled upon said.
Ma’am I felt uneasy.
I entered a small road and walked my way to a panipuri shop and ordered a plate of panipuri for myself. After paying, I started walking back. It feels so wrong to be myself in this place, I know it isn't but looking at all the homophobes trying to hate on us every single second feels so disgusting. Sometimes I just want to end myself. Since the day I realized I wasn't a cishet, all I feel is “guilt”. And I feel extra guilty about the fact that I have to hide this from everyone related to me, which isn't my fault but…
I entered inside my house with a sigh and mamu asked, “So, did you eat panipuri?”, I nodded yes. I sensed her looking at my face trying to read it so she asked if I was doing okay. Mamu, how I wish I could share this to you, but I just can't, I thought. I assured her that everything was alright and went towards my room. I sighed thinking about how I might have to wake up till midnight to complete my assignments again. I went back to the same old corner to do my assignments and turned on music. Soon I found myself vibing with the music and doing my homework, and it was already 12:30. So I decided to complete it tomorrow, then I checked my phone to see my best friend, Sumi. I replied to her messages and then I found a video from the pride parade on my feed. At first, I was so happy to learn about the fact that even Nepal has pride parades, I was happy looking at the faces of the people in the video, they deserved it. But the feeling of not being able to see myself in that position made me feel low, it made me feel that I would never be able to be a part of it, how I will never be able to come out to my parents and even if I did I would definitely get disowned. I shared everything with Sumi and she replied, “You know, it’s okay!! I don't know anything else but just know that I am here for you, okay?”. I smiled at her texts.
The next morning I went to my school hoping it would be a good day but I got pointed out for dressing too masculine and that I should be more feminine, dress and behave like a girl. One of my classmates even called me a slur under her breath which I caught and I couldn’t even see anything due to the anger that had risen inside me. But I could speak nothing. I was scared.
That day I went back home with angry tears that soon led to me falling asleep. And when I woke up it was already past midnight so I went towards the door to unlock it. I felt so disturbed, I felt like I couldn’t do anything. Being a teen queer in Nepal is such a difficult thing, I can’t come out to anyone due to which I cannot live freely. The only thing I want to hear is someone being proud of me and it seems so difficult to hear from someone else. I sometimes wish to be someone else. It feels happy whenever someone tells me that they understand what I’m feeling, but honestly it is such a hard thing to get. Although it feels so good being a part of such an amazing community but sometimes, being a part of a closeted LGBTQ+ community to me also is a constant reminder of the possibilities of not getting accepted by the close ones in my life. The thought of always being proved wrong even when you know you are right is a different wave of misery. Whenever I talk to my parents about the community I always have the urge to blurt out, “What if I was a part of the community?” and/or “What if i came out as Lesbian/Queer?”. It scares me that if I don't label myself people might think I am faking it, when in actual I am not. The sharp feeling you get whenever you can not raise your voice when needed and be quiet is so unexplainable to me. I cried my heart out. And this was the first time I've ever felt so guilty about it.
I might have fallen asleep after that because I remember nothing else, it was already 6:30 so I heard my mom shout from downstairs. I stood up straight immediately after I heard her call me for the third time. I went downstairs after thinking how some people would never understand how hard it actually is, how hard it is to finally come to terms with your sexuality and gender identity, cry whenever this topic is brought up, denying who we are for years or months and always having feelings invalidated…
