Written by: Krituka Sapkota - 25005, Grade IX
Posted on: 14 March, 2022
I looked at the mirror after a very long time. I was hesitant but I did it. I saw all the scars of cuts, marks all over my body. I had a mix of emotions. I didn't know how to feel either. I didn't want to feel this way, I wanted to be happy,not be insecure, I wanted to feel myself. I was tired of faking my emotions and having no one share any thoughts that was the worst part. I wish I had someone to share my feelings with, someone who could understand me and how I felt,no was there for me and helped me like I helped them. These are all the thoughts that would be on my mind. I was happy because I had not felt this way for a long time. There were some moments here and there but comparatively they were very few times I felt that way over a year. I was happy with the new me but many people were not. Seeing the new me who did not care if someone hurts me and leaving the toxic people behind everyone started getting jealous.
Starting from first, my life was like a normal teenager who spent my day studying for good grades and was happy but my life took a turn. A different life for which I wasn't ready for or not even prepared for. My mental health started getting worse and worse daily. I started hating myself, feeling insecure about my body and every small thing anyone ever made a joke about. I started getting panic attacks, anxiety attacks but I wasn't sure why. I started getting my thoughts together and I knew why I was suffering all of sudden. I started getting bullied. I lost a lot of friends because of those bullies. I felt like changing schools which I eventually did. I thought things would get better but the popular girl at my school also bullied me which made it worse. I could not ask my parents to change my school again because I had just changed. I stopped wanting to go to school. My grades went really bad. From a student who all teachers liked and appreciated and was ready to take part in programs was suddenly a student who rarely took part in programs, quit and turned into a below average or average student. No one knew why, being in the 21st generation and most people being addicted to gadgets everyone thought I also got addicted to them. My parents were shocked to see their daughter change and fail classes and thought I was really addicted to gadgets but I used them to distract myself from the thoughts, attacks. No one asked why I was failing, why I became rude and heartless. All everyone cared about was good grades and blamed my gadgets. No one understood why. My mental health got worse because I got menatally harassed daily by a neighbor who might be a pedophile . It was heartbreaking. I didn't know why I deserved it. Why I deserve all of it. I was scared to be alone at my house or even leave my house alone. I self harmed myself by cutting myself, punching myself. I tried killing myself. I got thoughts of jumping off my house or doing something that would end my life. Every Time I was about to do something like that at the back of my mind a thought always came “What about the things you dreamt of? What about the person you thought you would be when you were small. You have to live for yourself. You have to prove to your bullies and everyone who tried to bring you down that you are strong.” and I used to stop. Mostly when we go for advice about getting thoughts of ending our lives they tell us to think about them,our parents, our future but no one says “what about you, you have to live for yourself not anyone else”. If I shared these kinds of things to some of my close friends they would ask me that but I didn't want to live for someone else. I wanted to live for myself. My parents came to my mind but always at second, the first thing that came to my mind was myself. I was about to almost give up but I lived for me. To prove everyone that I was strong and no one could pull me down. We moved out from that place which was great for me and my mental health. I started researching online of the possible things I could do to help me out. I started getting better. None of the things that used to haunt me bothered me anymore. I started getting better in my studies and got into a great university to be a mental therapist and help people like me and help them go through the things that I went through. Everyone going through any of these things should stand up for themselves because at the end of the day you are the only person to be for yourself.
So yes, I was worth living and ending life is not a solution. Life is a book, it has the things you are not prepared for and it's a bad chapter not a bad book.
“It's a bad day, not a bad life.” -anonymous
